What Is Libido and What Actually Influences Sexual Desire in Women/ People With Vulva’s?
For many women/ vulva-owners, libido feels mysterious, unpredictable, or even broken. You might wonder why desire feels effortless at some points in your life and completely absent at others. You may have been told it’s “all in your head”, that you need to relax more, or that you should want sex the way you used to.
But libido is not a mindset problem. It’s not a personality trait. And it’s certainly not a measure of how much you love your partner.
Libido is a reflection of your overall health, safety and capacity.
Libido Is a Whole-Body Experience
Sexual desire in women is shaped by multiple systems working together. Hormones, the nervous system, blood sugar balance, emotional wellbeing, relationship dynamics, sleep quality and nutrient status all play a role.
Unlike male desire, which is often more spontaneous and visually driven, female desire is commonly responsive. That means it emerges when the body feels safe, supported and resourced. When those foundations are missing, libido naturally quietens.
This is not dysfunction. It’s intelligent physiology.
The Role of the Nervous System
One of the most overlooked influences on libido is nervous system regulation. Desire lives in the parasympathetic nervous system, the “rest and digest” state. If your body is chronically stressed, rushed or overwhelmed, it remains in fight-or-flight.
In this state, survival always comes before pleasure. Blood flow is diverted away from the pelvic region, cortisol rises, and sex hormones are suppressed. No amount of mental effort can override this response.
Hormones Matter, But Context Matters More
Oestrogen supports lubrication and comfort. Testosterone contributes to desire and motivation. Progesterone can be calming, but in higher levels may dampen libido. Hormones absolutely matter, but they don’t exist in isolation.
Stress, under-eating, over-exercising, poor sleep and emotional strain can all disrupt hormone signalling. This is why focusing on one hormone alone rarely resolves low desire.
Emotional Safety and Libido
For many women, libido is deeply tied to emotional safety. Feeling seen, respected, supported and not under pressure is essential. Unresolved resentment, people-pleasing, mental load and emotional exhaustion all suppress desire, often subconsciously.
If sex begins to feel like another task or obligation, libido retreats.
Reframing Libido
Low desire is not a personal failure. It’s feedback. It’s your body communicating that something needs attention.
When we stop asking “What’s wrong with me?” and start asking “What does my body need?”, libido becomes something we can understand, support and gently rebuild.