Is Painful Sex Normal?

This is one of the most common and important questions I hear in clinic.

Painful sex is common. But it is not normal.

And that distinction matters more than we often realise.

Why Pain Has Been Normalised

Many people grow up with limited, fear-based or incomplete sexual education. Pain is often framed as something to expect, tolerate or push through, particularly for women and gender-diverse people.

Cultural narratives prioritise performance, penetration and pleasing others over comfort, consent and safety. Over time, this teaches people to ignore their body’s signals.

What Pain Is Actually Telling You

Pain is information. It’s your body communicating that something is out of balance or needs attention.

This might include:
• Vaginal dryness or tissue changes
• Pelvic floor tension
• Hormonal shifts
• Inflammation
• Stress or burnout
• Previous pain experiences
• Emotional or relational strain

Pain is not something to override with willpower. When pain is ignored, it often becomes louder.

The Impact of Being Told “It’s Normal”

When pain is dismissed, people often stop seeking help. They may disconnect from pleasure, avoid intimacy, or begin to doubt their own experience.

This can create a cycle where pain becomes more entrenched, not because the body is broken, but because it never receives the care it needs.

Pain and the Nervous System

Painful sex often becomes self-reinforcing. If sex hurts, the body begins to anticipate pain. Anticipation leads to muscle tension and nervous system activation, which increases pain.

This cycle is not conscious, and it’s not something you can simply relax out of.

When to Seek Support

If sex is painful, if you dread intimacy, or if pain affects your desire, mood or relationship, that is reason enough to seek support.

Pain does not need to be severe or constant to be valid.

Reframing “Normal”

Normal sexual experiences include comfort, choice, safety and agency. They do not require enduring pain.

You are allowed to stop. You are allowed to ask questions. And you are allowed to expect care that takes your pain seriously.